Why are narcissists obsessed with their exes? (2023)

Why do narcissists obsess over their exes?

But as clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula points out, narcissists often have a habit of staying in contact with their exes in a way that is solely about their own needs. "The central motivator for narcissists is validation," she explains.

By remaining friends with their exes, narcissists get to keep all of their former partners on a carousel of convenience: they can create a harem of people to use for sex, money, praise, attention or whatever else they desire, at any time.

As a general rule, narcissists don't miss or love their exes — but they'll work hard to convince you that they do. Ultimately, people with NPD are incapable of genuinely missing anybody.

Stalking is often mistaken as hoovering in that once a source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the narcissist refuses to give up their power by forcing themselves into the victim's world through harassing, following, and monitoring.

They may experience jealousy, but it's not a major occurrence for them, at least when they're in a good mood. But vulnerable narcissists are a little different. They are highly sensitive to threats to the relationship, and because of this they do get jealous easily.

They will 'move on' quickly — and tell you about it.

Most true narcissists don't need time to heal from a break up as their initial feelings about the relationship were likely insincere or absent.

Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.

At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.

It's true: Your narcissistic ex will remember you but not — never — in the way you hope they will, as the “great love of their life”. Most of the time they won't even think about you and you know why: They're too busy spinning their web to snare the next unsuspecting spider.

How do you know the narcissist has moved on?

They can have deep regret for failed relationships and they may feel loss very deeply. But they feel that regret and loss only insofar as they relate to their own agenda and feelings . Their remorse points inward. They may feel very sad that they lost someone and they may genuinely miss that person.

Narcissistic collapse happens when a person with narcissistic personality disorder experiences a failure, humiliation, or other blow to their secretly fragile self-esteem. Depending on the type of narcissist, collapse may look different and happen more frequently.

Narcissists can never really love anyone.

That's why it's important to remember that no matter how happy and loved-up they look with their new partner, it's only a matter of time before they start being belittled and insulted too. Narcissists can never really love anyone.

Narcissistic discard is when a person with narcissistic tendencies ends their relationship with you. It can often feel like you've been used and discarded. It can be helpful to understand narcissistic discard in the context of a narcissistic relationship.

#5 The Narcissist Will Attack Your New Partner

Because you've moved on to someone new, your new partner serves as a constant reminder that they were not good enough for you, so they'll launch an attack against them. They'll start spreading false truths about your new lover and slandering their name on every corner.

Many won't let you go, even when they are the ones who left the relationship, and even when they're with a new partner. They won't accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or stay friends after a breakup or divorce.

People with narcissism tend not to like seeing other people happy. When they see you happy, the best thing you can do is to stay firm on your boundaries, focus on the present and what makes you happy, and avoid getting into arguments. They might try to hurt you to disrupt your peace and justify their actions.

How Did Narcissists Feel About the Breakup? Both narcissistic admiration and narcissistic rivalry were related to feeling more anger right after the breakup. This is consistent with the tendency for narcissists to be especially hostile when they're rejected.

The cerebral cortex has also been found to be less developed in narcissists and this area is responsible for memory, emotions and behaviour. Therefore the narcissist seems to move on so fast because their emotions are not as deep as ours but also, they don't form memories in the same way the rest of us do.

How do you emotionally detach from a narcissist?

One of the first stages of leaving a narcissist will include you getting away from them. You may choose to end the relationship, move out, or cease contact with them. Once this occurs, they will likely begin trying to guilt you into feeling bad about yourself and how you treated them.

At the end of a relationship, a narcissist will often spiral down a long-winded gauntlet of manipulation tactics. They may blame you for causing the relationship to fail, work hard to keep you to stay with them, make lofty promises to change their behavior, or badmouth you to everyone around them.

Hence, it is clear that a narcissist rebound relationship may last only a few months. Some break up after a short fling of two to three weeks, while others end the relationship after the sweet initial phase ends in just a few months.

Narcissists act (or refrain from acting) based solely on the availability of Narcissistic Supply (or lack thereof). If the narcissist keeps coming back – he does so because he is convinced that there is Narcissistic Supply to be obtained – or because he has yet to secure an alternative source of supply.

They will never truly be happy because they don't have the emotional capacity for it. They can only play games and try to put others down. Show them you're living your best life without them, and they'll experience their own version of heartbreak.

Narcissistic collapse happens when a person with narcissistic personality disorder experiences a failure, humiliation, or other blow to their secretly fragile self-esteem. Depending on the type of narcissist, collapse may look different and happen more frequently.